


Konoha Master Chef

by nibbler747



Category: Naruto
Genre: All Shinobi dead or alive, Alternate Universe - Crack, Bad Ass Madara, Individual Challenges, Itachi burns everything, Narutoverse - AU, Tsunade regrets being a judge, Yamato regrets joining too, funny fic, group challenge, master chef - Freeform, puns galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-09-05 21:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20280034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nibbler747/pseuds/nibbler747
Summary: Master Chef has come to Konoha and the contestants are anything but normal.  See Madara, Guy, Ino, Deidara, Itachi, Shino, Sasori and Orochimaru battle to win the title of Master Chef.  Will the judges survive the competition?





	1. Chapter 1

“Welcome to Master Chef Konoha. It’s the first competition of its kind in our village. Home chefs from far and wide have come to enter this exciting competition. Top prize – dine free at any restaurant in Konoha for a whole year!” Sakura smiled as she looked at the crowd. The stands were packed to watch the event.

“I can’t believe I couldn’t enter. It’s so unfair. Do you think they did this on purpose?” Choji sunk down frowning in his seat.

“Of course they did this on purpose” Shikamaru shrugged. “You’d bankrupt all the restaurants in Konoha if you won. Don’t worry, you’ve got a in with one of the competitors.”

Sakura went back to the microphone. “It’s time to introduce our distinguished judges. First up, our very own fifth hokage, and my mentor – Lady Tsunade!” Tsunade walked up and waved at the crowd. She took the first chair and sat down.

“Second up, When he’s not watching Orochimaru, his hobbies include gardening and growing vegetables and herbs. Please welcome Captain Yamato!” Yamato walked up blushing at the attention. He nodded at the crowd and quickly went to his seat beside Tsunade.

“Third up. This man is no stranger to food. Our resident powerhouse Choza Akimichi!” Choza came out beaming. He waved at Choji and Shikamaru while heading to his seat. Choji crossed his arms in annoyance. If his father wasn’t a judge he could have entered himself.

The lights grew dim and a spotlight fell on Sakura. “The moment you’ve all been waiting for. The contestants. First up.” Sakura blanched as she looked at her cue card. “You may remember him from the Valley of the Gods and the Fourth Shinobi World War – Madara Uchiha”

The lights fell on Madara Uchiha. He had on a dark blue kimono and white pants, his long hair billowing behind him. “I don’t just dominate on the battlefield – I dominate in the kitchen.”

“Wait – what?” Tsunade interrupted. “Aren’t you dead? What are you doing here?”

Madara shrugged. “Meh. What’s dead? It’s just a state of mind after all”

“No, you’re actually dead. Why do you want to win a cooking competition? The prize is food. Do you even eat anymore?”

“Irrelevant” Madara boomed. “I like to win.” 

Tsunade put her head between her hands. “Sakura….”

“Actually Shishou, the rules specifically don’t state that the dead are not allowed to compete. So let’s continue on. Next up – Konoha’s Sublime Green Beast of Prey – Might Guy!”

Guy flashed his winning smile. “My food will always keep you in the springtime of your youth!”

“It’s true! His green smoothies have kept me at peak performance!” Rock Lee yelled from the crowd.

Madara looked over at Guy. “Aaah…it’s you. Respect.” The two men bumped fists.

Tsunade shook her head. “I can’t believe this…”

“Aah…Tsunade. You’ve been saucy with me ever since I cut you in two. That was so ten minutes ago. Look, Guy’s gotten past our last dance.”

“Life’s too short to dwell in the past” Guy grinned.

“You are from the past” Tsunade muttered.

Sakura cleared her throat. She needed to get this back on track. “Our next contestant hails from Konoha. The Hidden’s Leaf’s own missing nin – Itachi Uchiha!”

The spotlight fell on Itachi, who was donning his Akatsuki robe. “I like to cook eggs.”

“Itachi?” Sasuke looked up from his near doze. He frowned. “Can’t come back from the dead to visit his brother, but comes back for some stupid cooking competition” he whispered to Naruto.

“Our next contestant also comes from Konoha. She’s gone from acting like a pig to cooking them. Please welcome Ino Yamanaka!”

Ino glared at Sakura. “Shut up forehead.” She turned to the crowd and struck a pose. “My cooking doesn’t need a jutsu to take over your mind.” She winked at Choji and Shikamaru.

“Go Ino!” Choji cheered. If she won, she promised to bring Choji along to as many restaurants as she could.

“Our next contestant likes to go out with a bang. Quite literally. The missing nin from the Hidden Stone Village – Deidara!”

Deidara threw three clay birds at his feet which exploded with a large flash of light. “My food will cause an explosion of flavour, yeah!” He looked over at the other contestants. “Itachi’s here? Dude was the worst cook in the house. He burns everything!”

Itachi glared at him.

Deidara leaned up so that he was leaning right next to Sakura. “How’s it going hottie?”

A deep flush filled her face. “Oh hi” she said shyly.

“Oh my God…are you watching this” Naruto poked Sasuke. “He’s flirting with your girl!”

“Oh whatever. She’s too smart to fall for that” Sasuke mumbled. He turned his gaze towards Sakura. She was still smiling at that blonde idiot.

“Stop your piss poor flirting, and get back to your job” Ino yelled.

“Shut up pig!” Sakura yelled. She straightened her dress and looked towards the audience once again. “Next on our roster, is a man of many talents and bodies. From the Hidden Leaf Village – Orochimaru!”

Yamato’s face paled. Tsuande leaned over to him. “I thought he was still under surveillance?”

“Aaah…I thought so too. I’m not sure how he entered this competition. I thought ANBU was going to watch him while I was here. I guess not hey?” Yamato looked at her worried.

Tsunade shook her head.

“My food will slither into all of your hearts” Orochimaru stated, his long tongue slipping out of his mouth and licking his lips.

“Is that guy human? He looks strange” Madara asked Itachi. Itachi just nodded.

“Next on our list is – “ Sakura stopped. “Well this is a bit awkward. The next contestant is a missing Sand Nin that I killed. Welcome Sasori of the Red Sand”

Sasori did not smile. “That was not a nice introduction.” He pulled his cloak tight around him. “I pull no strings with my cooking.”

“Ok enough” Tsunade stated. “I know for a fact this man has no real stomach, no real mouth, and hasn’t for most of the time he was STLL ALIVE. What is he doing in a cooking competition??”

“Cooking calms me” he coolly stated.

“There are no rules about dead human puppets, Lady Tsunade” Sakura stated.

“Well of course there isn’t! What kind of weird rule book would we need for all these people? Reanimated, Puppets, Half snakes, Criminals…”

Sakura cleared her throat loudly. “Well our last contestant is from the Hidden Leaf Village. He never lets competition bug him. Please welcome Shino Aburame”

Shino stood there with his cloak pulled up high around his mouth and sunglasses on as per usual. “There is a lot of buzz about my food, and it’s all true.”

Yamato turned to Tsunade. “I’m legit scared to eat that guys food. He’s going to feed us bugs I know it.”

“He bothers you, and not all these other freaks? We’ll be lucky if we’re not all in the hospital by this evening” Tsuande grimaced. “Look at this group. Four of the eight contestants are dead. One is not quite human anymore but more of a snake. One is full of bugs. Out of everyone, Ino and Guy are the most normal. And you know Guy is anything but normal.”

“Hey!” Guy protested.

“Senju’s” Madara muttered.

Sakura clapped her hands. “Well this concludes the introduction portion of the show. Now let’s get onto the exciting stuff. The cooking! You will have three challenges. First is an individual challenge to show us your signature dish. Two people will be eliminated after that challenge. The next challenge after that will be a group one. Four people will be eliminated after that challenge leaving two people left for the final challenge. We’ll be asking you to really wow us with your dishes for that one. Does everyone understand?”

The group nodded.

Kakashi walked in and sat down with Sasuke and Naruto. “What did I miss?”

“Oh boy! Lots Kakashi sensei. There’s eight contestants, but four of them are already dead. Madara’s been trolling since he got here. Sasuke’s brother Itachi is here, but he never told him, so he’s pissed. Deidara is here, and is flirting with Sakura. Sasori’s in the competition even though he’s had no organs for ages, so we don’t know how he knows how to taste anything.” He looked at Sasuke. “What did I forget? Oh yeah, everyone is scared of eating Shino’s food cause they think it might be full of bugs.”

“Oh boy. I’m glad I didn’t sign up to be a judge.” He turned and grinned at Yamato. “Having fun up there.”

“You knew didn’t you….Kakashi. You’re not normally one to turn down a free meal.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny. I’ll just say, I’m glad I finished my paperwork to come watch.”

“Ok everyone. It’s time to begin!” Sakura announced.

**A/N: Cause I felt like writing something entirely silly, and I love when I see characters all mixed together that I normally wouldn’t see together. Sigh, I miss a lot of the Akatsuki! Next Part – Challenge 1 – Signature Dish!**


	2. Chapter 2

Sakura clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "Ok, It's time for our first individual challenge. Signature Dish! You will have thirty minutes to complete this challenge. Please help yourself to the fully stocked pantry. The judges will be coming around to speak to you while you make your dish. Remember the following rules. Number one - no genjutsu allowed. I'm looking at you Madara and Itachi. We don't want to be in an illusion of eating delicious food, we want it to be real. No Tsukuyomi."

Madara smirked at Sakura. "Hmmm….That's a pity. I've been told my genjutsu is most enjoyable." He winked. "Especially with the ladies."

Sakura blushed heavily as she stared at the Uchiha Clan leader. Deidara scowled. Naruto elbowed Sasuke again. "Now Madara's flirting with Sakura. Dude what is up with your family?"

"Rule number two. Ninjutsu and Kekkei Genkai can be used in moderation. I want to see the majority of effort coming from yourselves. If you have a technique using your special abilities that can aid in your cooking then you may use it, but we are still looking for cooking skill and at the foremost - taste. Remember that."

The group all nodded.

"Rule number three. Have fun! You may now begin."

Deidara jumped over his workstation and ran to the pantry in a shot. The rest of the competitors took their baskets and filled them with meat, eggs, produce and herbs and headed back to their workstations. Guy was lugging a large blender and a basket full of greens.

"Yes!" Rock Lee exclaimed. "He is making his ultimate life affirming rebirth smoothie. It's the most excellent awesome smoothie I have ever had the honour of eating!"

"Is that grass in his basket? Hmmm….I don't know about that one" Shikamaru shuddered.

"That's simply because you have never tasted something so delicious! You'll see. The judges will love it!"

Yamato wrinkled his nose at the statement. He liked grass on the ground not in his meal. The judges got down and started walking around the room. It was time to visit the contestants and see what they were cooking.

Tsunade walked over to the far left starting with Madara. He was wearing tight black gloves, calmly chopping some cabbage and mushrooms. Madara looked up from his cutting board.

"Princess" he greeted.

"You can call me Lady fifth" she corrected. "What are you making?"

Madara shoved the cabbage off to the side of his board. "I'm making my favourite dish – Inarizushi" A boiling pot of water, soy sauce and sugar was waiting for the aburaage he had cut up earlier.

Tsunade smirked. "Really. That's not really a fancy dish is it? More like street food hmmmm? I thought the former head of the Uchiha Clan would have more refined tastes."

"That is because you have not tasted my Inarizushi. It is quite literally to die for." He smirked at Tsunade. "I mean I've almost killed you before, but this time will be for a much tastier reason."

A wave of irritation flooded her face. "Why are you wearing gloves?"

"I don't like getting my hands dirty" he replied simply.

"Hands can be washed. Don't you think perhaps…I don't know…a hair net would be more appropriate?" His long luscious raven locks reached past his butt. It was thick shiny and healthy looking. Why was his hair so much nicer than hers? It was unfair. The Uchiha clan was already overpowered, did they need to corner the nice hair market too?

"Hmpff. Madara Uchiha does not wear a hair net…but I will concede to this." He pulled a hairband from around his wrist and tied his hair back into a loose ponytail.

"Well if that's the least you can do…" Tsunade muttered.

"It truly is the least I can do" Madara smirked.

Tsunade shook her head. The man was simply infuriating to speak with. She left his station and walked down a few steps to the next contestant. Meanwhile Yamato approached Might Guy. He had a huge assortment of ingredients that he was chopping coarsely and tossing into the large blender.

"What are you making, is this the start of a soup?" Yamato inquired.

"Soup!" Guy exclaimed. "Oh no. That would remove some of the nutrients. This is my signature smoothie. Never cooked! It is called the Ultimate Life Affirming Rebirth Smoothie. Guaranteed to put some pep in your step." Guy tossed some bananas, pineapple, kale, liver, a red onion and the grass he had collected into the blender.

"Hey that grass still has dirt on it!" Yamato objected.

"It is essential. That is pure Konoha dirt baby. Right from the Hokage mountain. It seeps energy from the mountain itself into the smoothie."

Yamato started feeling queasy. The idea of eating dirt, grass, liver and bananas was making his stomach preemptively hurt. "Ummm…you know this is a cooking competition. Blending stuff together doesn't really count as cooking."

"Hmmm….sounds like someone is a bit of a chicken" Madara interrupted.

Yamato flushed red. "I am not a chicken! I'd like to see you try this concoction of liver, fruit, dirt and grass."

"I would have no problem with it" Madara replied.

"Oh really? Do you want to bet?"

"Captain Yamato" Itachi interrupted. "He ate a bite of his best friend Hashirama. I really don't think this is a bet you would want to make with him."

"Oddly he tasted like chicken" Madara added.

Yamato shook his head. "I'm going to end up in the hospital. I just know it. Why did I ever agree to judge this." He walked off to the next contestant.

Choza approached Sasori. He was calmly watching a pot boil. Choza leaned over and looked in the pot. It was filled to the brim with water, and inside was one large uncut onion. "Ummm….what are you making there son?"

"French onion soup" he replied.

"Err…I think there is a lot more to French Onion soup than that. What you are making is onion water."

"Well that is because it is not complete. I will put a piece of bread on it at the end."

"If I could make a suggestion, you might want to jazz it up a bit more than that." Choza shook his head. At least it didn't look like Guy's smoothie. This dish's crime would be more of being boring.

"Hn. I will think about it. I'm a purist about my soups though."

"Just some food for thought."

There was a cloud of black smoke starting to surround Itachi. Tsunade approached him. "Itachi! What is going on? What's on fire?"

"I told you this dude can't cook" Deidara laughed. "You should have seen some of the dishes he made when we were in the Akatsuki safehouse. Everything was burnt. Ha, and that's coming from me! I love to burn stuff."

Itachi blew out the fire in the pan and took it over to the sink. He started washing the pan thoroughly. He returned to the stove, and put some oil in the pan again and heated it up. He cracked an egg into the pan and then added a bit of water. He then activated his mangekyou sharingan. A stream of fire hit the eggs. The eggs went black instantly and a new cloud of smoke arose.

"Would you stop using the mangekyou. It's too hot for eggs. It should be used exclusively to flambe!" Madara called out.

"I just need to get the intensity right" Itachi replied. He dumped the burned eggs and returned to the sink to clean his pan. He gathered two more eggs and started the process again.

Sasuke sighed from the crowd. "This could go on for a while. Believe me. I hope they stocked enough eggs. Last time Itachi made eggs he had to go find a hen to help out." Tsunade started coughing from the smoke and moved on to her next contestant.

Yamato approached Orochimaru. "You are supposed to be under house arrest. How did you end up entering and coming to this contest?"

"Oh….well…you know I have my ways. Let's not dwell on the past, I'm here now. The show must go on."

Yamato cleared his throat. "Ok then. Well what are you preparing for us today. It looks like you are also making eggs."

"These are no ordinary eggs. These are snake eggs actually. Don't worry, when cooked like chicken eggs, it deactivates the venom. I did the research. I'm spicing it up, and wrapping it in puff pastry. I like to call them Orochimaru's surprise."

Yamato started going green. The thought of eating possibly venomous eggs? Was this a real dish, or was it a way for Orochimaru to get rid of him?

"I don't trust you" Yamato said quietly.

"As you shouldn't" Orochimaru grinned. Yamato stumbled away in worry. He gave Kakashi a look of panic.

"Stop messing with him Orochimaru" Tsunade chided.

"Oh these kids have no sense of humour anymore."

Tsunade headed over to Deidara's messy station. He didn't have many ingredients there except rice, nori and something else that was covered up. He had managed to make his whole work station a complete disaster. She looked at his mop of blonde hair. He was another one who could benefit from using a hair net.

"So what are you making for us this evening?"

"Bakudan Onigiri!" he replied.

"Of course you would. It only makes sense." The boy would make rice bombs. It was only fitting.

"This bakudan will come with a surprise" Deidara said.

"If something explodes in my mouth, there will be hell to pay!"

"That's what she said" Madara interjected. Kakashi burst out laughing. It appeared Madara must be a fan of the Icha Icha books as well.

"Madara!" Tsunade shouted. "I've had about enough of your comments."

"Hn. I was just talking about pickled apricots yeah?" Deidara said innocently. "But I do like where you were going with that…an actual exploding bakudan sounds awesome."

"Dear Lord" Tsunade muttered.

Choza walked up to Ino and gave her a hug. "Hello dear. What are you making today?"

Sasori glared at Choza. "Why did I not receive a hug?"

Madara winked at Tsunade. "I didn't get one either Princess"

Tsunade clenched her fist. "I'm warning you. Last chance."

"Anyways…getting back to the topic. Ino, what are you making today?" Choza asked.

"I'm making my signature Strawberry tart Choza-sama" Ino replied. "it's made with fresh sweet strawberries in a flaky pastry. It's very sweet and satisfying"

"Babe, you look sweet and satisfying, yeah" Deidara added leaning against her workstation.

Ino flushed red and smiled. "Well….I may have to let you try a piece….of the tart."

"Tasting is reserved for the judges!" Sakura interjected hurrying over to Ino's workstation. "Stay focused Ino-pig. This isn't a dating show."

"Oh come on now. The tart is big." Deidara took his hand and covered Sakura's. His hand gave hers a surprising lick. "I'm sure the three of us could share. Couldn't we?"

"Oh my!" Sakura whispered as shivers ran up her arm.

"Why do I feel I should not be seeing this" Choza muttered.

Naruto nudged Sasuke. "Dude...you need to kick his ass."

"I did. I killed him. I can't believe they're falling for his stupid lines" Sasuke said. "I mean…they're so idiotic."

"The guy has mouths on his hands. I wouldn't dismiss him so easily Sasuke" Shikamaru stated bluntly. Sasuke slowly turned red and returned his laser focus on Ino, Deidara and Sakura.

Yamato walked up to Shino who had a colourful salad in front of him. "Please don't tell me we're eating bugs. That's all I ask of you."

"Of course not. I would never hurt my bugs by eating them. What's wrong with you man?"

"So you made a salad?"

"A delicious salad. I'm a vegan."

"Good enough for me. Thank-you."

Shino gave a puzzled look as Yamato went back to his chair and collapsed into it. Tsunade and Choza soon joined him. The cooking time limit was soon approaching.

Sakura went to the front stage. "Ok everyone, put your finishing touches on because the time is up in 5…4...3…2…1! Cooking utensils down! Everyone bring up their tasting plates to the front for the judges to try."

"Oh god…I'm going to die" Yamato shuddered.

"Death isn't so bad" Sasori deadpanned. Yamato's eyes went large.

A few minutes later eight dishes were lined up on a long table in front of the judges. The respective contestants were standing behind their dishes. The three judges got up and approached the table. They would begin tasting from left to right.

"First up – Madara's Inarizushi"

The plate in front of them contained three inarizushi. The judges each took one and popped them into their mouths.

"Mmmm..." Yamato exclaimed. "It's really good. Lots of flavor, not greasy at all."

"It has just the right sweetness to it also. Good job" Choza added.

"And you Lady Fifth?" Madara asked.

She sighed. "It's good. Very good actually."

"Naturally" he replied with a satisfied smirk.

"Moving on – Might Guy and his Rebirth Smoothie."

Guy had set up three small shot glasses filled with a vibrant green liquid. He gave one to each of the judges. They all looked at each other and shot back the drink in unison.

"Oh God!" Yamato yelled. He grabbed a paper towel and in vain tried wiping his tongue.

Tsunade cringed. "You can really taste the liver. I mean really, there are still chalky chunks of it in the drink."

"It's a great source of protein!" Guy said excitedly.

"Liver and Bananas are never a good pairing. Sorry Guy, not your best work."

"Don't listen to them sensei!" Rock Lee shouted from the stands. "I know your smoothie is magnificent."

Guy burst out crying. "That kid….he gets me."

Sakura moved down to the third contestant. "Ok Itachi has made some eggs for you" Before the judges were three perfectly cooked sunny side up eggs.

Choza tasted the eggs. "Light, well seasoned, not overcooked. Good job."

"It took you a few tries I see" Yamato interjected. His workstation showed at least sixty eggs had been cracked. There was still a dark smoke hanging over the area.

"Hn" Itachi replied.

Sakura moved down the table. "Next up is Sasori's French Onion Soup."

There were three bowls of slightly yellow water and a small piece of white bread perched on top. On the bread was a slightly whitish spread.

"Before you eat it, there is one final table side cooking that will be performed. I've asked my partner Deidara to help me out."

Deidara took out his hands and performed three hand signals. "Ka!" he yelled. The spread on the bread went up in flames and the burnt bread fell into the soup.

"Bon Appetit" Sasori said.

The three judges tentatively picked up their bowls and spooned a bit of the burnt bread and yellow water.

"Oh God!" Tsunade said spitting out the soup. "There's clay in there. What is this? Clay in onion flavoured water?"

"Excuse me – that's cheese flavoured clay I'll have you know" Deidara stated. "I worked hard infusing that cheese into my exploding clay."

"This is totally disgusting" Yamato put his bowl down.

"Sorry Senpai" Deidara whispered to his former partner.

"Hmmm…I suppose having taste buds and organs might help. It looked good to me though."

"Only four more dishes to taste! Let's move on. Up next is Orochimaru's Surprise – Snake eggs wrapped in puff pastry. Yum!"

Yamato stood back and looked at the eggs. Would he be so bold to try to poison him in front of a live studio audience? He wasn't sure.

Tsunade seemed to have no fear. She grabbed one and popped it in her mouth.

"Mmm…good as always Oroch!"

Choza ate his with vigour. Yamato slowly picked it up and took a small bit. Lightly seasoned, the eggs were fluffy and the pastry flaky. It was very good.

"It's good" he squeaked.

Orochimaru started snickering. "Well let's see how that settles in your stomach."

"Oh Kami…" he whispered.

Sakura let out a big smile as she went to the next contestant. "Oh…well I know this one looks absolutely delicious – Deidara's Bakudan.

"I was going to make it explode, but you guys don't seem to have a taste for clay yet yeah. So here you go."

They each took a rice bomb. It was simple but had a satisfying piece of pickled apricot in the middle that paired well.

"It's simple but nice. Good job Deidara."

"Hn" he replied.

"Now, Ino's made some sort of dessert or something. Ino's Strawberry Tart" she said unenthusiastically.

The tart was sweet and the freshness of the strawberries really came through.

"Good job Ino" Choza beamed. "The tart is delicious."

"I bet it was…" Deidara whispered to Ino from beside her.

Sakura looked at Deidara annoyed. "Ok, last but not least – Shino has made a salad."

The judges each took a plate of salad and ate a portion of it.

"Well, I mean it's a salad. It's fine, but not exactly interesting" Choza started

"After some of these dishes…I'm ok with that" Yamato said relieved. He had survived the first tasting.

"The salad was nice Shino but pretty simple. If you move on, we expect you to step it up" Tsunade stated.

Sakura returned to the front of the stage. "Thank-you esteemed judges. Now it's time for you to work. Please eliminate two contestants at this time. Our next round will be a group challenge. Three against three."

The judges went back to their table and started discussing the dishes.

"Sakura?" Madara called. "Do we get to pick our own teams or are they picked for us?"

"Actually, great question Madara. The top two dishes from this round will be the team captains for the next round. They will get to hand pick their teams from the remaining contestants."

"Sakura?" Yamato called. "We've come to our decision." He walked over and handed her a folded piece of paper.

The lights dimmed in the studio. "Thank-you everyone. Eight contestants came in today and only six will remain. Who will move not be moving forward at this time?" She paused for dramatic effect. "The two contestants not moving on are – Might Guy and Sasori! Sorry, could you both hang up your aprons and leave."

Might Guy wiped a tear from his eye. "Fight on fellow contestants. I believe in each and every one of you!" He took of his apron, hung it on the hook and left the studio.

Sasori took off his robe. "Later" and in a poof he was gone.

"The top two dishes from the first round were – Madara Uchiha's and Orochimaru's! You two will be the team captains for the next round. Thanks for joining us, stay tuned for the group challenge!"

**A/N: I know this is totally ridiculous. Thanks for reading my silly story, and If you leave a review, I'd totally love it!**


	3. Chapter 3 - Group Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Group Competition. Madara, Itachi and Ino vs. Orochimaru, Deidara and Shino. Who will take it?

Sakura returned to the stage. "Ok everyone, it's time to return to your workstation with the exception of Madara and Orochimaru. Could you please come to the front with me."

Madara and Orochimaru walked up to the front and stood on either side of Sakura.

"Thank-you. There will be two teams of three people, therefore you will each get to choose two team members. Madara, you slightly edged out Orochimaru in the scoring so you will get to choose first."

Madara put his finger up to his mouth in thought. "Hmmm who to pick? Itachi has the propensity to burn things. Deidara appears to be more interested in flirting with the ladies than cooking plus thinking that cheese infused clay was a good idea shows a serious lack in judgment. Shino made such a boring dish that it makes watching paint dry look exciting. Ino…I'm not sure if she can only make desserts. She does seem delightful though." He gave a smile and wink to Ino.

Ino blushed at the clan leader and gave a little wave back. "I can do a lot more than desserts."

Tsunade shook her head. "God, is everyone in heat or something?"

"Excuse me, I didn't ask for an analysis of each competitor, just please pick your first one. Then it will go back and forth between you and Orochimaru" Sakura prodded.

"Well, given these pitiful choices, I will have to go with my clan brother – Uchiha Itachi. Being an Uchiha, he's naturally better than the rest of you."

Itachi walked over to Madara and bumped fists with him.

"Blood is thicker than water after all" Madara stated.

"What? His whole mantra was village over clan. He literally chose water over blood" Tsunade argued.

"Tch…I'm dead now. That stuff doesn't matter much anymore. Besides, Orochimaru tried to steal my body once and is too obsessed with my little brother. I'm happy on Team Madara" Itachi replied.

Madara smirked at Orochimaru.

"Didn't you try to kill….I don't know…everyone?" Orochimaru sneered.

Madara broke out in a wicked smile. "Well I only had the very best of intentions."

"Ok, well that took way too long" Sakura said pointedly at Madara. "Orochimaru it's your turn."

"Hmmm…..choices choices. Well this person displays a lot of passion, and I think that will come through in his cooking, with a little guidance of course. I choose Deidara."

Deidara jumped up on his table. "Yes! Yes! I knew I was one of the top contenders. In your face Itachi."

"Dumbass…I did get picked before you" Itachi muttered.

Ino clenched her fist. "How could I be in the bottom two? He just made a rice ball and Itachi just made eggs. How hard is that? My dessert was complicated."

Madara put two fingers up to his lips. "Aaah…Itachi. She makes a good case. What do you think?"

"She's a good choice. Desserts require a lot of precision, and hers came out well. She must be skilled."

"I agree. Sakura, I pick Ino as the final member of Team Madara."

Ino broke out into a big smile and joined Itachi and Madara.

"Goddamn it. I wanted her to be on our team. Now we're stuck with that weird bug guy" Deidara complained to Orochimaru.

"You're calling me weird? You're literally a freak of nature. Who has four mouths? And the fact that you chose to do that to yourself is even more insane."

"Dude it's a cooking competition! What do you think will be more helpful? Mouths or a having a hollow body filled with bugs? You're the last person to be calling anyone a freak. I'm getting itchy just looking at you."

Orochimaru gave them both a death stare. "Quiet you two. We will come together and defeat Team Madara. If memory serves me correct, he is quite familiar with losing."

Madara crossed his arms and stared at Orochimaru. "You bastard. I won't lose this time. Mark my words."

Sakura clapped her hands. "Ok let's get back on track. Team Madara will consist of Madara, Itachi and Ino. Team Orochimaru will consist of Orochimaru, Deidara and Shino. This challenge is a little different. Both teams will be making the same dish. The judges will taste both, and mark on creativity, execution and taste."

Sakura walked up to a dish that was featured at the centre of the stage that was covered with a white cloth. "Today you will be making…." She whipped the cloth off the dish to reveal a white domed dish with flecks of brown. "Baked Alaska!"

The six contestants all looked at the dish confused. Sakura cut into the cake to reveal the cake and ice cream centre.

"Baked Alaska is ice cream on top of a light sponge cake topped with meringue and then baked. It's definitely a difficult challenge because timing is everything. The meringue must be in the oven long enough to get firm and brown, but the ice cream must not melt. We expect the ice cream to be homemade, the sponge cake to be light and airy and the meringue to have a glorious sheen. There are three main elements to this dessert, so you should assign one team member to each element. You will have two hours to complete this challenge. You may begin!"

Madara's team huddled around his work station. "I will make the ice cream, Ino makes the cake, and Itachi, since you love eggs so much, will make the meringue. Itachi – "

"Yes?"

"Under no circumstances are you allowed to bake our Baked Alaska. We only have one chance to get it right. But I do have some ideas for your Amaterasu when Team Orochimaru is baking their cake."

Ino grinned catching on. "I see. I think I can help out too. "

Madara laughed. "I did assemble the perfect team. I expect nothing less than perfection. Ok now lets talk flavour combinations." The group huddled together to discuss.

* * *

Orochimaru gathered his group over by his workstation. "Ok now to split up the tasks."

"I object- " Shino stated.

"What? Object to what?"

"All three elements contain eggs. As a vegan, I object. Of course, we can come up with some delicious alternatives. For example for the meringue, if you use chickpea liquid and cream of tartar."

"Oh screw off with your chick pea liquid. That sounds disgusting. You're not going to make this challenge harder than it already is" Deidara complained.

Orochimaru sighed, this team was not going to be easy to manage "Alright, compromise. Shino, you make the cake with an egg alternative. We will make the rest using eggs. Making a meringue without eggs sounds like a nightmare. So, Deidara do you think you can handle making the ice cream, and I will make the meringue. Now for flavours. Myself, I'm a fan of black licorice. A gorgeous black cake would look interesting."

"You know fennel has a licorice taste to it. I could infuse the cake with fennel, and use squid ink to make it black. You could also use it to colour the ice cream and meringue" Shino suggested.

"Squid ink doesn't sound very fucking vegan to me. It comes from a living being" Deidara taunted.

Shino clenched his fist. "I don't see you coming up with any decent suggestions. I guess all of us don't have the taste for clay."

"Hn. You don't have an artistic bone in your body. You're as boring as your dumb salad."

"Enough!" Orochimaru snapped. "Let's get started. I will not be defeated by Madara."

* * *

Itachi was furiously whipping his eggs with a hand beater but they were not stiffening up properly. He looked over at the other team, and Orochimaru's bowl was turning into a glorious white cloud. He narrowed his eyes and started beating the bowl harder.

Madara looked over at his teammate. "Trouble?"

"These eggs won't stiffen up. I don't know why? Orochimaru's are coming along nicely, but mine are staying in this weird state."

"Hmm….I wonder if he has a trick for this?"

"Well, he is a bit of a mad scientist." Ino interjected softly. "He's good with exact measurements and what not. I bet he has a technique he's using that's helping him out."

Madara activated his Sharingan and watched him. "It's no use. He's just simply whipping the eggs the same as Itachi."

"Yeah, I already tried that." Itachi complained.

"Well maybe I can get in that head of his. That way I can know what he's thinking. But, I don't think the judges will be ok with that, we need to cover up what we are doing so it is not obvious."

"Well Sakura only banned genjutsu and your mind possession is not that, but best we not be found out. Itachi, I will hold Ino while she is in her jutsu, you keep an eye on the other team, and distract them if they notice that Orochimaru is in a trance.

"Won't that look strange? You holding Ino?" Itachi asked.

Ino grinned. "Don't worry, I have a flair for the dramatic. Let me handle this." Ino walked over to her workstation, and started stirring her batter. Madara walked back to his workstation. Ino' face started going red, and her eyes filled with tears. She let out a soft audible sob.

Madara set down his spoon and walked over to Ino. "Is something troubling you?" He put his hand on her shoulder.

"Oh Madara-sama! It's just so much pressure! I don't want to let you down!" She launched herself into Madara's arms. He enveloped her and pulled her in close to his chest, his hair falling around her like a curtain so no one could see her. He felt her hands perform her jutsu against his chest, and then she became dead weight in his arms.

"Don't worry my camellia flower. I have full faith in you" he replied as he held her tightly against him.

Itachi looked over at the other team. Orochimaru was beating his eggs when he stopped and his face took on a tell-tale blank expression. He keenly kept watching him, Deidara and Shino. Deidara seemed focused on the ice cream, and Shino was opening a can of chick peas.

In the stands, Choji nudged Shikamaru. "It's not like Ino to cry. And over a cake? She's a lot tougher than that."

Shikamaru frowned, assessing the scene before them. "You're right. I think they're up to something but what? Neither team is moving, so it doesn't seem like they are outright sabotaging each other's dishes. Unless she's flirting with Madara by acting helpless? I don't know….women are so confusing. She seems to have a thing for Uchiha men. I thought she would have gone for Itachi though. He's like a much nicer version of Sasuke."

Sasuke whacked him on the back of the head.

Shikamaru groaned rubbing his head. "My point exactly." He shrugged at Choji. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

Deidara was making good progress on his ice cream mixture. He just needed to temper the eggs and add it to the batter. He looked around for the eggs, they all appeared to be at Orochimaru's workstation.

"Hey Orochimaru?" Deidara started.

Itachi sprang into action. "Deidara, your ice cream mixture is looking very sad indeed. It's a weird grey colour. Why don't we make a little bet on whose dessert comes out better. If mine comes out better then you have to–"

"Oh no you don't. Screw you and your bets. You're trying to trick me again aren't you? Probably trying to make me your servant in the afterlife of something. Well I'm not falling for it!"

Madara and Ino broke off their embrace, and Orochimaru gave everyone a confused look, picked up his beater and continued whipping the eggs.

Ino huddled in close to Itachi. "The eggs need to be room temperature, and there can't be one drop of yolk in there. Otherwise it won't work."

"Thanks" he whispered. "Does Orochimaru know what we did?"

"No, he should just feel like he spaced out for a few minutes. I've perfected my jutsu so he's not aware. It's good for reconnaissance."

Itachi nodded in approval. He got a new set of eggs that were sitting on the counter and began again.

Tsunade got up and wandered over to Team Madara's work area. The team appeared to be working together fairly harmoniously, which was a far cry from the constant arguing she heard across the room with Orochimaru's team.

"Madara, how are things going? Please tell me what you have planned for your dish."

Madara smiled. "It's going perfectly as you can see. We have gone with a floral theme thanks to our resident expert Ino. Our cake is a lavender scented genoise sponge, topped with a vanilla rose ice cream and meringue. The cake will be topped with edible flowers."

Tsunade raised her eyes in surprise. "That sounds…actually quite nice. But will you be able to execute it?"

"Well they said I couldn't pull off the Infinite Tsukuyomi, but look who did it. No one can 'talk no jutsu' my ass. This is a breeze in comparison. I didn't even have to do any eye transplants or anything."

"Hmmm..I see. And what was with Ino's little breakdown there? That's not the kunoichi I know."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand Tsunade, she has the soul of an artist. You're more of a brute force kind of woman. Artists get very attached to their works, she was merely expressing herself. As her Uchiha teammates, we are sensitive enough to understand that."

Tsunade scoffed. "As Uchiha? Sensitive? One of you killed your whole clan, the other tried to kill the rest of humanity. I don't really see you two as poster boys for the word sensitive."

"Really we are the most sensitive of all. It's canon" Itachi stated.

"Itachi killed his clan for the greater good of preventing another senseless war, and I was only trying to invoke paradise and end war for good. I don't know how much more altruistic you can get?"

"You two are so deluded-"

Madara shook his head at Itachi. "I told you. Senju's just don't get it."

Tsunade sighed. "Well…there is no reasoning with you, so good luck with your dish. It's looking promising so far."

Yamato walked over to the Orochimaru work area. Orochimaru's egg mixture was looking good but was an odd grey colour. The rest of the teams work looked questionable. Shino was pouring a very runny lumpy grey coloured batter into a cake dish. Deidara was stirring a grey ice cream mixture.

"Hmmm….you're team has gone for an interesting colour scheme here. What's with the grey? It's a bit of an unappetizing colour for food."

"Hn. These dumbasses thought squid ink would make a nice black cake, but everything looks this sickly grey colour. They don't have an artist's eye. "

Orochimaru gave Deidara a death glare. "It is a very attractive grey. It is not quite jet black as we had intended, but it will be attractive none the less."

Yamato peered at the cake batter. "What are those lumps in the cake batter?"

"Probably larvae that's falling out him is my guess" Deidara muttered. Yamato's face started losing its colour.

"It's not larvae idiot! It's chickpeas. A few must of gotten in the batter when I got the chickpea liquid." Shino sneered.

"A few chickpeas? It looks like more than a few. Fucking chickpea liquid. Who cares about it being vegan when you you're going to dump squid ink into it. You're such a half-ass vegan."

"WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN!" Orochimaru slammed the table. "IF I NEED TO CURSE MARK YOU TWO TO OBEY MY WILL BELIEVE ME I'M NOT AFRAID TO DO IT."

"Curse mark me all you want, I'm already dead baby!" Deidara taunted.

"That's even easier. A kunai to the back of the head will have you doing my bidding in no time."

"Oh, I'd like to see you try! You wouldn't be able to lay a finger on me." Deidara started reaching into his pocket to get some clay out.

"That can easily be arranged." Orochimaru started reaching into his pocket.

Sakura rushed over to the arguing teammates. She pulled out the rule book. "Actually Orochimaru-sama, the rule book does say that edo-tensei'ed individuals must be able to use their free will, and must not be used as mindless tools for cooking."

"THAT IS IN THE RULE BOOK?" Yamato exclaimed.

"Well yeah….I mean it makes sense" she replied dryly. "Good Lord…." Yamato wandered back to the judges table.

"This is why I hate working with people" Orochimaru muttered. He and Deidara returned to their respective workstations.

Madara leaned on the counter across the room between Ino and Itachi. "Hmmm….I think we may not need to put Plan Amaterasu into effect. They are self-destructing quite nicely on their own. But I do like to be one hundred percent sure."

"We'll keep it in our back pocket. I'll keep an eye on their cake in the oven. If it's cooking nicely, I can help it along with my Amaterasu."

"Remember subtlety is key. If they notice something is amiss, Orochimaru will be quick to retaliate. He does have quite the repertoire of jutsu."

Ino laughed. "I think we won't have to worry about that. Did you see the cake batter? It looks way too watery for it to set up nicely. Deidara's ice cream mixture I'm not sure about." She raised her eyebrow. "I could find out the old fashioned way."

"Any intel is always helpful." Madara replied.

"Well my cake is still baking, so I have a little time on my hands. I'll just wander over and say hello."

Ino walked over to Deidara's work station. He put down his spatula and gave her a big smile.

"I thought I would just come by and say hi while my cake is baking. How's it going?" she said sweetly.

Deidara leaned towards her. "Much better now that you are here beautiful. You should have been on my team, not this bug infested jerk I'm stuck with."

"Oh Shino's not so bad once you get to know him." She looked at his grey ice cream batter. "This looks interesting."

"Hn. Well it's a weird grey colour cause of Shino's stupid squid ink idea. But it should taste good. I made sure of that."

Ino leaned in close and raised her pointer finger at the bowl. "May I?"

Deidara flashed her a wicked grin. "Yeah baby….have a lick."

Ino dipped her finger on the side of the bowl and got some batter on her finger. She slowly sucked the batter off her finger. She was overcome with a strong taste of licorice.

"Licorice?" she whispered. Deidara appeared to be a trance watching her.

"Those jerks used fennel, but I used Sambuca. I know Tsunade likes her liquor. Speaking of which, I better get this in the flash freezer." He ran over to the freezer and popped his ice cream mixture in.

"Well I better get back. It tastes really nice."

"Come by anytime….for anything" he winked.

Ino walked back to her oven to check on her cake. Within moments Madara and Itachi were standing on either side of her.

"We got this in the bag. They went with a licorice theme, but Deidara used Sambuca in his ice cream!"

"So why is that a good thing for us?" Madara inquired.

"Alcohol has a much lower freezing point. His ice cream will take way longer to set than regular ice cream, and it'll melt easier. Not a good thing when putting ice cream in the oven. You want it super cold or it'll turn into a puddle."

Madara smiled. "This is going to be fun to watch."

* * *

It was time for the two teams to assemble the Baked Alaska. Ino pulled out her leveled cake and Madara turned over his chilled ice cream on top and smoothed the edges so it matched perfectly with the cake. Itachi then topped the ice cream mixture with the meringue he had carefully whipped.

"I guess it's ready for the oven to brown the meringue" Ino stated.

"The oven is so imprecise. Fire style would give us a lot more control in browning." Itachi suggested. He turned to Madara. "You can do it if you don't trust me."

Madara clasped his hands looking at the cake. "Given your propensity to burn things, I think it would be wise I do it." He gave a little smirk. "And after all, I am the greatest fire style user of all time."

Itachi sighed. "I will watch the cake with my Sharingan and make sure its structural integrity is staying intact."

"Ok, let's begin then."

Both men activated their Sharingan. Madara created the smallest flame, and with great precision lightly browned the swirls of the meringue evenly. The cake ended up with the perfect mixture of white and brown swirls.

"It's perfect!" Ino exclaimed. "Now for the wow factor." She delicately laced the top of the cake with blue cornflowers and small sprigs of lavender.

The team gazed at the cake satisfied with their effort.

"It looks beautiful" Choza whispered to Tsunade. "I didn't think this team would work so nicely together-given Madara's personality. The other team though…"

The judges looked across the room at Team Orochimaru who were cursing each other out.

"Damn it! The two things I didn't do myself are total unmitigated disasters. Shino what is wrong with this cake. It's sunken in the middle. Is it fully cooked?"

"I put it in for the full time, it should be."

"And Deidara, why is this ice cream so soft? It should be a lot harder for the amount of time you had it in the flash freezer."

"Why are you blaming me? That flash freezer is probably defective or something."

Orochimaru's face was flushing red with irritation. "Well there is nothing we can do except assemble the cake at this point. He flipped the grey ice cream onto the dull grey cake that was developing a crater in the middle. The ice cream started to drip down the side of the cake.

"I'll have to get the meringue on fast to try to keep the ice cream from dripping all over the place." He quickly topped the dripping cake with his grey meringue. He carefully carried the cake to the oven to see Madara grinning at him from across the room.

"Shut up." Orochimaru snapped.

"I didn't say a word" he replied. He leaned back and recorded the action with his Sharingan.

Orochimaru popped the cake into the hot oven for a few minutes, and then took it back out. The cake was heavily lopsided at this point, but did brown in a few spots.

He threw his arms up in the air. "Sakura, let's get this over with. Call the judges" he said resigned.

Sakura went back to the front of the room. "That's actually perfect timing. Both teams please bring your cakes to the front for judging."

The two teams carefully brought their cakes to the front of the now darkened room. One beautiful cake topped with flowers, and one lopsided grey cake.

"Thank-you teams! Now for the judging. To start Team Madara –"

"I think you better start with Team Orochimaru's cake. I don't think it their cake can wait much longer" Madara interrupted.

Itachi flashed his Sharingan. "That is literally true. I think it only has a few minutes at best."

Choza walked up to the cake and carefully sliced it with a knife. The cake poured its contents out letting out a sludge of grey liquid dotted with small balls.

"What are those balls in the cake?" Yamato asked.

"Fucking chickpeas!" Deidara yelled. "Your cake didn't even cook dumbass! I told you there was more than just a few that got into the batter."

"Well your ice cream didn't set either. I wouldn't be so quick to point fingers" Shino retorted.

"Please…just take me back to my lab. I'd rather be under surveillance than be here any longer." He held out his wrists to Yamato. "Take me now. I can't stand to be with these idiots for another second."

"Ummm….should we bother tasting it?" Yamato asked.

"I think we should" Choza replied, as he handed forks out to Yamato and Tsunade. They all scooped a bit of the dripping cake onto their forks.

"Wow the licorice taste is pretty overwhelming. It's more subtle in the cake but its super strong in the ice cream" Choza stated.

Tsunade licked her spoon. "I quite like the ice cream. It would be perfect if it had set up."

Deidara gave Ino a knowing smile. The Hokage's love for liquor was well known.

"Let's try Team Madara's cake now." Choza moved the flowers off to the side and slid his knife through the cake. The cake kept firm during the slicing. He took three small pieces of cake and distributed it.

"Light airy. The sponge is moist and has good flavour" Choza exclaimed.

"The ice cream has a slight rose taste which is quite pleasant" Yamato added.

"I think it goes without saying, that Team Madara has taken this round" Tsunade said.

"Lady Tsunade! You're not supposed to say that, I am!" Sakura said angrily. She cleared her throat. "Round two has gone to Team Madara. That means that Orochimaru, Shino and Deidara you have been eliminated from the competition. Please hang up your aprons and go."

The three men left the studio. Orochimaru was escorted by two Anbu members.

"Please stay tuned for the final round between Madara, Itachi and Ino. Who will take the crown as Konoha's Master Chef!"

**A/N: Thanks for reading, and please leave a review if you enjoyed! Thanks again!**


	4. And the Winner Is....

The studio was being reconfigured to remove the extra workstations so that only three would remain. It allowed for the contestants to take a short ten minute break before the final completion began. Ino walked over to the refreshment table and poured herself a glass of ice cold water. The studio had gotten extremely hot with the lights and the stress of the competition.

She looked over to see Madara and Itachi huddled together speaking seriously. At the sight of her they both stopped talking turned around and then continued their conversation.

Were they planning on taking her out? Madara was known for his scheming and it appeared that Itachi didn’t seem too bothered about going along if the last round was any indication. She took a sip of water. Could she dare use her mind control jutsu’s on the two Uchiha men? Both were known for their mastery of genjutsu, they may be able to counter her. Her experience working with them had surprised her - they were actually fun and very collaborative. It was unfortunate that they now had to compete against each other.

“Hey Pig.”

Ino turned to see her pink haired friend was now standing beside her.

“Forehead. Are you here to give me an inside edge on the next round?”

Sakura laughed. “Not a chance. You know me better than that. The reason I came over was because I wanted to find out what was going on with you crying during the last round. You wouldn’t cry over a cake. A cake that was going well I might add.”

Ino folded her arms across her chest defiantly. “It’s stressful being a contestant. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I know you better than you think. Either you were trying to do something underhanded, or you are still obsessed with Uchiha men. So which is it?”

Ino raised her eyebrow. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” 

“You’re impossible” Sakura groaned. She looked at her watch. “Ten minutes are almost up. Well, you better bring your ‘A’ game for the final round. I’m going to be keeping an extra close eye on you this time.”

“That’s just fine. You do what you need to do. I don’t need any favours.”

Sakura’s look softened. “Ino?”

“Yes?”

“I’m not supposed to say this, but I hope you win. I’m rooting for you.”

The two friends smiled at each other, and Sakura returned to the stage.

* * *

“Flour, Salt, Yeast, Oil, Water. It sounds simple enough. But what do these things have in common?” Sakura announced from the front of the now quiet studio. She stood in front of a table that was draped with a cloth.

“It’s the building blocks for creating one the worlds most common and beloved food – Bread!” Sakura whipped off the cloth to show a cornucopia of bread, loafs, rolls and buns. “This challenge may look simple, but I assure you it is not as any master baker can attest to. The final challenge is to make a bread that will dazzle us. It must be properly baked, have the correct density, taste good and look beautiful. Think carefully about what you are going to make. This is the final challenge, and winner takes all! You may begin.”

Madara, Itachi and Ino all sat down at their work stations. A few minutes later, Ino got up and went to the pantry, followed shortly behind by Itachi. Madara remained sitting at his workstation, not moving. He stroked his hair in concentration.

Tsunade leaned over to Yamato. “I didn’t think I’d ever see it. I think this challenge has Madara stumped.”

“Well if you think about his life, he probably never spent much time in the kitchen waiting for bread to rise. It was the warring era after all.”

“I don’t know…I didn’t expect that he knew how to make ice cream, but he did. It’s not exactly on his list of accomplishments of our founding fathers” Choza interjected.

“It’s that damn Sharingan. It can just copy everything. It’s up to the user what they want to record but I don’t think he would use it on something like bread baking” Tsunade said.

“Well who knows. We could always ask our resident Sharingan user. Hey Sasuke!” Yamato yelled out towards the crowd.

“What?” Sasuke replied.

“Have you ever used your Sharingan to learn how to make bread?”

“No. Don’t you think I have better things to do?” he replied annoyed.

“Well that’s Sasuke. He’s not Madara and Itachi. Who knows what they’ve done. I heard that Itachi liked to frequent tea houses. He may know quite a bit about the subject.”

Madara turned towards the judges. “You speak like I have no ears. Listening to you fools, you have no idea how the Sharingan really works. Just because we see something and even put it to memory, doesn’t mean that you know how to execute it. That takes a great deal of skill. Perhaps the confusion lies because we are so skilled in absolutely everything. Isn’t that right Itachi?”

Itachi smirked. He was not used to brash style of the former clan leader, but he found it amusing how Madara enjoyed pushing everyone’s buttons. He had to admit, he found it pretty entertaining.

Itachi put down the sugar, cinnamon, butter, eggs and chocolate he had gotten from the pantry. Madara had left his work station and entered the pantry. Ino had already started to make her dough. Soon all three contestants were working on their respective doughs. From the wide array of ingredients, it appeared that all three had very different plans.

Tsunade went down to Madara’s station where he was vigorously kneading his dough. “Well, you’ve surprised me this competition. I didn’t think you’d make it this far.”

“Was there any doubt? Look at my competition. It wasn’t like you had Hashirama out there.”

“This is a baking competition, not a battle. I doubt Hashirama would be interested in something like this.”

“That’s what you think, he would have liked this. He made a mean scone. Light, buttery…lots of flavour.”

“When would you two ever have time to make scones?” Her image of the founding fathers during the warring era was getting extremely muddled as the competition progressed.

“You don’t know my life.” Madara replied simply, continuing to knead his dough.

“Apparently. Well, what are you going to be making for the final competition?”

Madara stood proud. “I am going to make a savoury onion and herb braided challah bread.”

Tsunade clucked. “Well that sounds good, but will it be impressive enough to win the competition?”

Madara leaned forward so that he was close to Tsunade and winked. “One thing I never am is boring. And you should know, I’m always impressive. Get the winner’s trophy ready princess.”

“We will see Madara…we will see.” She went headed off to check the rest of the contestants.

Yamato walked over to Itachi whose dough was resting. He was making a mixture on the stove of chocolate, butter and sugar.

“This smells delightful. What are you planning for us Itachi?”

Itachi set down his spoon, watching his chocolate mixture carefully. “I am making a chocolate zebra babka bread.”

Madara eyed the eggs and chocolate mixture on Itachi’s table. “That looks like a dessert….a cake if you will. Not a bread.”

“It’s a bread” Itachi maintained. “It has yeast, it requires rising, therefore it’s a bread.”

“I still think it’s more of a cake. Eggs, flour, sugar, chocolate, butter. That screams cake to me.”

Itachi crossed his arms. “Well you are wrong. Besides it’s not up to you to decide. It’s up to the judges.”

Madara walked over to stand beside Itachi so that they were both facing Yamato. “Yes, you are right Itachi. Let’s ask this judge. I’m sure he could shed some light.” Both of them activated their Sharingans and stared at the young captain.

“Why….why…are your sharingans on? Oh God…you’re both going to genjutsu me aren’t you?” Yamato stuttered.

“Whatever are you talking about?” Madara had now switched his vision to his purple rinnegan eyes. Itachi’s switched to his mangekyo and was staring straight at Yamato.

“I don’t want to die like this….Oh Kami….”

“Madara! Itachi! What is going on there?” Sakura scolded as she hurried over to the three men. 

Madara and Itachi both smiled at the pink haired kunoichi, quickly returning their eyes to normal. “Oh nothing, we were just discussing our dishes. Right Yamato?”

“Yamato…are you ok? Did they do something to you?”

“I…um…eyes…no….but they looked…..purple…red…ah…I need some water.” Yamato stumbled back to the refreshment table.

Sakura glared at the two men. It was obvious that they had been up to something. “You don’t have a lot of time, I suggest you both get back to your dishes” she said sternly.

“Yes ma’am” they both replied.

Madara and Itachi returned to their workstations. Itachi turned to Madara. “You were right. That was funner than I expected.” 

“I told you so” Madara replied. 

Itachi looked at his chocolate mixture on the stove which he had momentarily forgotten. It was now burnt and scorched to the pan. “Dammit” he muttered. He returned to the pantry to get new chocolate.

Naruto nudged Sasuke for the hundredth time. “Dude, I think Madara’s a bad influence on Itachi. They’re messing with Yamato for fun. That’s not cool!”

“Would you please shut up” Sasuke snapped. “I’m sick of you poking me in the side every couple of minutes. I can’t control them. ”

Choza walked over on the other side of the studio to where Ino was wrapping up kneading her dough. “You’ve done really well here tonight. What do you have planned for the final challenge?”

“I’m sticking with something traditional but it’s going to be done to perfection. I’m making an artisan sourdough bread with rosemary, Himalayan sea salt and black olives.”

“That sounds delicious! Sourdough is technically very difficult, so I’m impressed.” Choza looked at the other contestants working away. “Are you worried about the competition? Is there anything underhanded afoot with them?”

Ino smiled. “They’re actually quite fun. Fun and a bit silly when you get to know them a bit better. To be honest, I have no idea if they are up to something. All I can do is do my best, and just out preform them with my baking.”

“Well good for you. That’s the right attitude. Just make sure you inform the judges if you see any rule violations occurring. I don’t trust those two.”

“Will do.”

* * *

Madara set his proofing bread to the side of the table. It would need to sit for a while to fully rise. It would at least give him the chance to practice his technique. He grumbled in frustration. This was not working, he would need to try this technique on someone else.

He glanced at Itachi. He would be an appropriate subject, but he appeared to have grown cross after burning his chocolate mixture a second time. Deidara was correct in he seemed to have issues with burning things. It was an odd trait for a fire nature ninja let alone an Amaterasu user. He glanced over to Ino. She also was another good candidate, but would she let him? There was only one way to find out. He walked over to Ino’s workstation.

“Miss Yamanaka. May I bother you for a moment. I have a request of you”

She looked at him apprehensively. “What is it? I’m kind of busy here.”

Madara leaned down and whispered something in her ear, and watched her face look back at him with an incredulous expression. 

“I mean, that’s kind of weird don’t you think? And you’re my competition, why should I help you out?”

Madara shrugged. “You’re under no obligation to help me, but I thought I would ask. You might even find it relaxes you somewhat. If you need any assistance, I am happy to help you out in return.”

Ino crossed her arms. “I don’t need any help. But….” She looked at the former clan leader. “Maybe I can do the same thing back to you…. I kind of want to get my hands on it. There’s just so much there….”

“You’re not the first woman to say that to me” he grinned.

“Ok, but I am going to continue working while you do it to me. Try not to disturb me too much ok?”

Naruto poked Sasuke. “What the…..my head isn’t going in good places”

Sasuke’s mouth was agape. “I don’t know what the hell he’s up to. Ino shouldn’t trust him.”

Madara reached into his pocket and took out six hair ties. He tied Ino’s hair into six strands and then stood back. He then carefully started braiding her long golden hair until he reached the end. He stood back to look at his work.

Ino took the braid over her shoulder and looked at it. “It looks really good I think. Are you going to go with this one?”

Madara frowned. “I’m not sure. I’m torn between an even numbered strand braid or an odd numbered strand one. They have totally different looks.”

“What’s going on?” Itachi interrupted, now leaning against Ino’s workstation. His third batch of chocolate spread worked, and his dough was now chilling in the fridge.

“Madara is trying to decide between an even or odd stranded braid. He did six in my hair, but is still undecided.”

“You want to do a five strand?” Itachi asked.

“Five?” Madara scoffed. “Seven. Go big or go home. But I am not sure how the seven will look. It has a different completely different look than the six.”

Itachi pulled the hair tie out of his hair and shook it free. “You can try it on me if you wish. Then you will have a proper visual.”

“Oh my god….” Sasuke groaned as he watched his brother get is hair ready for Madara. He put his head between his hands, unable to look anymore.

Madara smiled. “Thank you my clan brother.” He quickly divided Itachi’s hair into seven strands and started the complicated braid. He finished up, and then stood back to compare Ino and Itachi’s braids. The three began discussing their findings. Ino set her bread aside for another rising, washed her hands, and then sat on the counter to cash in on her end of the deal. She began braiding Madara’s thick mane.

“Hmmm…aaah….what” Yamato stammered watching the scene.

Tsunade put her hand over her mouth in wonder. “I mean…really there are no words are there. I pictured genjutsu attempts, fires, maybe some straight up ingredient sabotage. Not the three of the chatting and braiding each others hair.”

“I’m more surprised that Madara had over twenty hair ties in his yukata” Choza exclaimed.

Naruto burst out laughing. “Dude, this is hilarious. Some fearsome clan you have there.”

Sasuke smacked Naruto on the back on his head. Shikamaru turned around and glared at him. “You’ve gotta stop doing that, or you’re going to be the one that ends up being slapped.”

Sakura scurried over to see why the three contestants were no longer do any cooking. She confronted the trio.

“What is going on here? Why is all of your hair braided? This is not Konoha’s Top Hair Dresser it’s Konoha’s Master Chef.”

Madara crossed his arms as Ino finished up the complicated braid in his hair. “This was purely for research for my challah bread.”

“What?!?” Sakura asked.

“I’m making a braided bread. I wanted to see what type of braid would look best.”

Sakura shook her head. “Ok…I guess I understand why Itachi and Ino have braids, but why is Ino braiding your hair? I doubt her sourdough bread requires this.”

“That was merely compensation for me braiding her hair.”

Ino leaned to whisper in Sakura’s ear. “Oh my god…his hair is amazing. I couldn’t pass that opportunity up.”

Madara looked thoughtfully at his braid. “You did a very nice job Ino. I always found the fish tail braid difficult.”

“And when did you spend time braiding your own hair?” Tsunade asked joining in.

He sighed. “I spent many years tied to the Gedo Statue. It passed the time.”

“Well nevertheless, everybody get back their stations and get back to work. It’s the final competition, I want to be impressed.” Tsunade raised her eyebrow at Madara. “You could say this performance is getting a little boring.”

He folded his arms and gave Itachi a look. “Challenge accepted.” 

The three contestants returned to their tables and checked on their doughs. Madara began punching it down again. He seemed satisfied with the consistency, and split it off into seven strands. He began his complex braid. He tucked the ends neatly underneath, and then brought it carefully to the oven. 

Itachi got the encased dough log he had put in the fridge. Carefully he cut the log in half, and then twisted them together into a helix. He then put it in the baking dish and popped it into the oven. The only thing left for him to do was to make his simple syrup that he was going to pour over the bread after it came out of the oven. He got out a new pot and put the sugar, water, cinnamon and cloves and then turned the stove on.

Ino shaped her sourdough using a razor blade, scoring it so that his had a beautiful spiral going all the way up. The loaf looked beautiful. It was ready for baking. She popped it in the oven.

“So…..” Madara began.

Ino and Itachi both looked at the former Uchiha leader.

“The fifth hokage has accused us of being boring. Can you believe that? I mean it’s really unacceptable isn’t it?”

Ino put down the bowl she was carrying to the sink. What was happening? The two Uchiha men both had an odd smile on their faces.

“Agreed. It’s unacceptable. I’ve been called a lot of things in my time. Murderer” Itachi stated.

“As have I” Madara added. “Tyrannical”

“Insane” Itachi added

“Domineering” Madara replied.

“Remorseless”

“Oppressive”

“Egotistical” Ino replied, adding herself into the mix.

“Boring?” Madara taunted.

“Never Boring. Ha!” Itachi flung out his hand towards Madara’s oven. “AMATERASU!!!” A black flame shot out from his hand.

Madara was beside his oven in a flash. “SUSANOO!!!!!” He and his oven were now encased in a glowing blue ribcage. Itachi turned his attention towards Ino’s oven.

Yamato stood up. “Oh Kami. It’s happening. It’s happening! They’re going to kill us all”

“Oh no you don’t Itachi” Ino yelled. She put her hands out in diamond formation towards Itachi and Madara. “Mind Possess-“

“You cannot mind possess me!” Madara yelled. “Forest Generation Jutsu!” he yelled towards Ino’s workstation. The table legs generated limbs and wrapped it around Ino’s wrists and ankles creating make-shift handcuffs.

“Fire Style –Great Flame Thrower!” Itachi yelled .

“Water Style – Water Wall” Madara yelled. A wall of water lay in front of his Susanoo.

The fire hit the water wall creating a large sizzle. The studio filled with a hot dense fog, making it impossible to see anything.

“Idiots! You think I can’t do my jutsu without hand signs? Think again!” Ino yelled. “Mind Clone –“

“STOP!!! STOP!!! If you three don’t stop this instance all three of you will be disqualified. You’ve pretty much destroyed the studio. I don’t know how we are going to tape in here, it’s burnt and wet and so damn smoky.”

“Trivial…” Madara muttered. “Wind Style – Clear Air Technique” A wind cleared all the smoke and deposited it over the studio audience. A deluge of smut started raining down on them. All three broke their jutsus.

“Hey!” Naruto yelled as he rubbed his soot from his eyes. The audience all started coughing from the haze.

“What came over all of you?” Sakura demanded.

“Well, we couldn’t turn down the request of our fifth hokage. She wanted some entertainment.” Itachi replied.

“Did you enjoy that dance Lady fifth?” Madara asked grinning.

Tsunade turned to Yamato, who was still standing there in shock. “Remind me to not sign up to judge these things anymore.”

“You did all this for fun? For kicks? This round is over!” Sakura yelled. “Take your breads out of the oven, and get them ready for judging.”

“I thought we had ten more minutes!” Ino complained.

“Now!” Sakura demanded.

Madara looked over at Itachi’s work station and burst out laughing. “Itachi – your simple syrup.”

Itachi turned to see that he had once again forgotten that he had left something on the stove. The pot had nothing but a scorched burnt mess at the bottom.

“Motherfuuu-“ Itachi yelped.

“No swearing” Sakura snapped. “Get your breads out of the oven. You’ve burnt enough things here for one day Itachi.”

He took the bread out of the oven and placed it on his workstation. Madara, and Ino had also pulled out their breads.

“Judges please gather. We will begin now. Please consider the previous three entries, when making your final decision. Madara you’re up first.” He stood proud with his shoulders back and tossed his long braid behind his back.

“Esteemed judges. Please enjoy my onion and herb braided challah bread.” The loaf looked golden and impressive, the seven strand braiding giving it a very complex design.

The judges each broke off a piece of the hot loaf and slathered a bit of butter on it. 

“Delicious” Yamato said.

“You got the density exactly right, and it has such a nice flavour. Good job Madara” Tsunade added.

He bowed before the judges. “Thank-you.”

The judges moved on to Itachi’s Chocolate Zebra Babka bread. He sliced three pieces off for the judges. It had a beautiful marbling of chocolate and white bread inside. The three judges tasted the bread.

Choza frowned. “This seems more like a cake than a bread.”

Itachi clenched his fist. “It’s a bread. It has yeast.”

“The bread looks beautiful, but it’s a little dry” Tsunade stated taking a sip of water.

“Yes, well I was supposed to pour the syrup over the cake. If I had not had my time cut short, I could have made another batch.”

“If you did not torch the studio, you wouldn’t have had your time cut short” Sakura replied tensely.

“Hn” he replied, crossing his arms.

They walked over to Ino’s workstation. Her sourdough had baked perfectly, and it had a beautiful spiral going around the edges. She carefully sliced a piece for each judge and gave them a generous helping of butter.

“Mmm…..it tastes so nice” Choza said with his eyes closed.

“I agree, it has just the right sourness, and it’s light and airy inside, but has a nice hard crack to the outside” Yamato stated.

“Thank-you Ino” Tsunade said.

“Your welcome.”

“Well our judges have a lot to think about. Please wait while they confer, and we will announce the winner of Konoha’s Master Chef!”

The judges huddled back at their station discussing the matter seriously.

Ino, Madara and Itachi all leaned against Itachi’s workstation. Ino turned to the two Uchiha men. “What happened there at the end? I thought you two were getting along fine. I wasn’t expecting you to start fighting.”

“Itachi here needs to let loose sometimes. Have a little fun. That’s what I told him at the beginning of this round. Don’t worry about what others will think and have a good time. It was fun wasn’t it?”

“I must admit, it felt quite freeing. I quite enjoyed our “dance” as you put it. And getting Yamato riled up was just icing on the cake.”

“Well, I definitely have a different impression of you two than I had going in. A good one.” Ino smiled at the pair.

Sakura returned to the stage. “Ok, gather around, the judges have come to their decision.” The studio went dark. “In third place is…..Itachi Uchiha. A solid performance today, but your perpetual burning of things…and the studio, plus your dry babka eliminated you.”

Itachi nodded and stepped back.

“The winner of Konoha Master Chef is…….Madara Uchiha! It was a very close decision, but your performance in the previous two challenges slightly edged you ahead. You had the best dish first round, and in the second round you showed good leadership. Ino, you performed magnificently today, and as I said the win was by a razor thin margin.”

Tsunade handed Madara a golden ticket. “This is good to eat at any restaurant in Konoha for an entire year. I have no idea how you are going to do that being dead, but congratulations. Consider me entertained.”

“Thank-you. Thank-you. I’m sure there was no doubt in anyone’s head who would be the winner, but now it is official. Madara Uchiha is the true master of Konoha. Do you think there is room for me on the Hokage Mountain?”

“No!” the three judges yelled in unison.

“Hmmpfh. Well Ino, I am gifting you this certificate. The win is enough for me.”

“Thank-you Madara-sama!” Ino said warmly.

“Yes!!! Yess” Choji yelled from the crowd.

Sakura returned to the centre stage. “And that concludes Konoha Master Chef. I hope you enjoyed your time with us!”

**A/N: And that concludes this fic! Thanks so much for reading this weird little number. When I started, I thought it would be a funny quick 5 pagers. 36 pages later! This is the first time I wrote a funny fic, and I had a really good time writing it. I would totally appreciate it if you left me a review. Thanks!**


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